John Krasinki is there, manning the phones next to that Emily Blunt girl.  Grrr.

I’m watching the Help for Haiti Now telethon.  On DVR.  Which I know defeats the point, but my desire was to watch the musical performances and fast foward through the sad stuff.  Cause let’s face it, I’m already depressed enough about Haiti, and life in general, without watching full screen shots of crying childen (”they live on two dollars a day!”).  That probably makes me an asshole, but hey, I’m doing what I have to in order to survive. 

But wait, that wasn’t my point.  My point is that George Clooney just pointed out 100 CELEBRITIES WHO ARE WORKING THE PHONES!!  And real movie stars, people, like Julia Roberts and Mel Gibson (I bet he’s counting that as community service hours).  And I was had.  I was had right there (”you had me at hello!”).  I wanted to call, but for purely purely selfish reasons.  And how much of an ass does that make me?  A huge one.

“Hi…is this Reese?  Yeah…cause I want to donote money for the people and all, but I really need to talk to Reese first…….Reese?  OH HAI!!!! I LOVE YOUR MOVIES!!!  What?  Oh yes yes, I want to donate, of course.  But I need to ask you a personal question….why, why did you dump Jake?  What?  You’re working a telethon for the poor and devastated people of Haiti?  Yes yes, I realize that, but I’m willing to give more if-” 

Yup, huge asshole. Right here.

In other news, I think that James Franco is stalking me…through my television.  First, he shows up on General Hospital.  THE James Franco, on GH of all places!  Weird, right?  And I was really excited at first, he was set to be opposite the cold-hearted (he lost his emotions in a car accident that took his memory), leather-wearing, gangster, Jason Morgan.  I was imaging a hot-looking James, wearing polished suits and being all charming.  And he was, for approximately two seconds, until they turned his character into a looney tunes.  Seriously, Mr. Crazy “I take pictures of murder scenes and call it art” Magee.  It was a huge dissapointment.  But I digress.  My point is that he started on GH, then headed over to SNL.  THEN, then he went to 30 Rock last week.  Three different genres in basically a month’s time.  Apparently he’s doing some documentary, if by “documentary” you mean ”stalking KJ through the DVR.” 

Wyclef is talking now.  I appreciate him.  He was on ”Oprah” the other day, talking about his rescue trip to Haiti (where he’s from).  You know, Oprah has done a lot for me (yes yes I see you rolling your eyes), one thing being to expose me to people I normally wouldn’t learn much about (beyond their talent).  Wyclef seems like a fairly intelligent person.  Same thing for the guy from the Black Eyes Peas (who’s name evades me and yes I could look it up on Google in like 2.3 seconds but I’m just too lazy for that); he was on the show giving four full college scholarship to some “inner city youths.”  I was really really impressed by him.  He was just so gracious and humble.  Oh, and Jay-Z.  I’m serious!  I knew nothing of his personality before she interviewed him and by the end of the show, wanted to be friend.  For reals.

Shit, is that Shakira singing ”I’ll Stand By You??”  She’s murdering my song with her crazy vibrating voice!  I love that song…god, THIS is the saddest thing I’ve seen all night.  Forget the dying people, THIS is devasting.

Reese is talking to someone!!!  She’s thanking them for donating!!! Reese could be talking to me!!! Damnit.  Damnit why did I tape this and not watch when it was really on????

Oh Anderson Cooper, oh not-officially-out-of-the-closet (by we all know your secret) Anderson Cooper.  He’s describing how he saved the children from looting robbers (is that redundant?).  He’s a super hero, that Anderson.

And here come the children.  Oh lord, oh lord I cannot watch this.  I need a drink.