I went recruiting for new 5th graders a few weeks ago and sometime during the day lost my work cell phone.  I didn’t notice it was gone until that night and a part of me thought that it was somewhere in the house or in my car. 

I called my voicemail every few days to get my messages and didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.  Until friday.  I called my voicemail and the little operator voice said, “you have 20 new messages.”  Hmm.  I’ve never had 20 messages on that phone, ever.  So I start to listen.  The first is from a co-worker, asking me to order something.  The second, well, the second is from a very angry woman.  I’m trying to turn the message into a wave file so I can post it here, but here’s a little bit of what you’ll hear:

Why the HELL aren’t you answering your phone?!  You know I ain’t got no f**king minutes on my cell!!!  I had to go down to the m***erf**king pay phone to call you and then go around to my friend’s houses and use their phones!!!!  You f**king a**hole!  Don’t you dare think of coming in to work tomorrow!!!

And that is being mild.  The actual message itself was 10x worse.  I am obviously taken aback by this and then I hear a few more angry messages.  Like five or six of them.  From TWO different women.  Apparently playa’ boy is canoodling with a couple of girls.  One of the messages was an actual phonecall; somehow the guy had picked up but it started recording anyhow.  His name - Jermaine. 

My boss decided to call one of the woman back; we were able to get the number she called from off the voicemail.  We left a message for Shelley and then I decided to call my phone again to have some coworkers listen to the messages (hey, they were funny).  Jermaine picks up. 

Jermaine?

Hey, who is this?

Is this Jermaine?

Hello? 

CLICK.

What a dumbass, answering a call from a stolen cell phone.  I tried calling back, but he didn’t answer.  So I texted him something to the effect of “Jermaine, we know you have the phone and it is property of the school system.  Return it or we will press charges.”

Meanwhile, I decide to have a different coworker call my phone and speak to Jermaine.  She uses a different phone to trip him up - he answers.  She starts talking to him, saying that Shelley told her to call. 

Who?

Shelley, you don’t know Shelley?!

Shirley?

Yeah, Shirley.

Oh yeah, Shirley is my mother.

Yeah, she told me to call.  When can I stop by and see you?

Are you my CO?

Yeah, yeah I am.  When can I stop by and visit?

I thought I was supposed to meet you on Tuesday?

Umm, yeah, you are….but I wanted to stop by and see you today.

Ok.

So Jermaine, in all of his infinite wisdom gives her his address and let’s her know when he’ll be home.  At this point, everyone in the main office is laughing hysterically.  We cannot believe how stupid this boy is.  No wonder all these woman are pissed at him.

We started discussing who should go to his house to get the phone - I mean, someone who needs a Corrections Officer shouldn’t be messed with.  Although, we reasoned, he’s not the smartest tool in the shed.  Just as we are about to pick straws, we get a call on the main office phone.  It’s Jermaine.  He wants to speak to his CO.  My boss gets on the phone and explains to him that the jig is up.  We know he has the phone and unless he turns it over, we’re pressing charges.

I wouldn’t want to have to contact your CO about all of this.

Jermaine confesses to having the phone and says he’ll give it back.  Turns out he lives about two blocks from my boss (they’re neighbors!) and she made plans to get the phone back.

And she did.

Just another day at the Academy.

I came home this evening to find:

1) NOT my UPS package I signed for yesterday for them to leave on my porch today. I left the little note saying to just leave it on the porch and now the notice is gone but there’s no freaking package. Does this mean my neighbors stole all my packing boxes from Budget?? That sucks.

2) An orange card from the Post Office letting me know that a certified letter from the Maryland District Court is waiting for me tomorrow morning for pick-up. Hmm, could this be official notice that I’m being charged with a crime by Gertrude and Rhonda?? That sucks.

Bitches.

I was out with Bonnie last night, watching the Sox play, at a local bar.  We’re sitting there, listening to awesome 80s (Rick Astley anyone?), when I see someone out of the corner of my eye.  One of the flat screens had been showing the Orioles/Yankee game (where the O’s obliterated the Yankees) and interviewing one of the O’s afterward and I recognized the guy on the screen as a guy from my high school!  Luke Scott, who graduated a year ahead of me, has made the big-time and is one of the star players for Baltimore.  It was pretty surreal seeing his name up on the screen; someone from little DeLand in the Major Leagues!  Bonnie and I proceeded to make fools of ourselves as we screamed and pointed at the TV - yes, we’re 14 years old again.

You can read here about the latest Yankee beating and how Mussina tried to hit my boy Luke in the head! 

My new school just made Newsweek’s list of top public high schools in the US.  They are #25! 

Media and Technology Charter High School (MATCH)

I was finally able to get my small claims case filed and received the letter yesterday confirming my court date (the end of August!).  This is for the civil case, not criminal, and I really thought we could resolve things this way so I could get reimbursed for the money I spent.  I figured that she would get the certified letter and just agree to the terms and send me a payment. 

I was wrong.

Gertrude* called my work today, asking to speak to my principal, and tried to get my home address.  She said she had a complaint against me.  Luckily my prinicpal is very smart (and knows all about the situation) and didn’t give her my information.  Apparently, she told my principal that she was filing criminal charges against me.

Really?  REALLY?  You wanna go there lady?

So in case you’ve been missing for the last year, all of this is referring to Toby’s dognapping.  I didn’t really explain the whole situation over the blog because I’m not quite sure what I can say legally.  Here’s what I can tell you:

Toby went missing on September 13th of last year.  He was in my house, where I lived with Rhonda* (landlord) and when I came home that evening he was nowhere to be found.  I called Gertrude (neighbor who took care of Rhonda’s house while she was in jail, also runs a rescue organization for animals) and asked if she had seen Toby or Rhonda.  She said she had not.  When Rhonda came home she also said that she had not seen Toby and did not know where he was.

I spent the next three weeks searching for Toby.  I posted flyers, offering a reward, put an ad in the Post, notices through online community email, and visited all of the shelters in the area on a daily basis.  I was grief-stricken.  Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely love my dog.  My heart was broken. 

So broken, that I went as far to hire a private investigator.  I knew something was up.  Toby is a very unique looking dog; if he had wandered off someone would have found him.   He had on several tags with my contact information.  If he was run over, his body would have been turned over to the shelters.  In essence, it was quite suspicious that he just disappeared into thin air.  It was also quite suspicious that Rhonda and Gertrude had not offered to help me look for him, or even inquire as to how the search was going.

See, I had told Rhonda a few weeks earlier that I would be moving out of the house.  I wanted to move to DC, be closer to school, and have a much shorter commute.  She was very happy for me, but she was very inquisitive about Toby’s situation.  She offered to let him live with her because she had a yard.  I explained to her the whole set-up of my new place (there’s a yard, another dog) and she even went as far as to ask the dimensions of the yard.  She laughed, saying that she knew I would be fine and was more worried about the dog!  I laughed it off, telling her that while it was kind of her to offer but I would be taking Toby with me since, you know, he’s MY DOG and everything.  Gertrude had also taken a liking to Toby.  She would bring her dogs over to visit all the time and since she ran a rescue organization, just loved dogs in general.

So you can see that it was a bit strange that neither one of them offered any help/support when he went missing.

Back to the Private Eye.  We discovered, the night before I was set to move out of Rhonda’s place, that Toby was in fact alive and well.  In Maine. 

Here’s the story.

When Rhonda and Gertrude found out I was leaving, they decided to take it upon themselves to place an ad online advertising Toby for adoption.  They used Gertrude’s organization, on the PetFinder website, to place his information on there.  They changed his name to Colby Cheddar.  They made up a story that the previous owner had died of cancer and he was a neglected corgi.  Yes, I am dead.  What, you didn’t know??  A family in Maine responded to the ad and arranged to adopt Colby Cheddar.  Rhonda and Gertrude were in contact with the family arranging the adoption.  Rhonda pretended to be Colby’s foster mother (I mean, he definitely needed one since I was dead).  The wife drove down from Maine and picked up Toby - the very evening he went missing.  So as you an see, Rhonda and Gertrude left nothing to chance.  They made sure that he had a home before they took him. 

We contact the family in Maine and they were, of course, heartbroken.  At first they do not believe us, they bought into the whole neglect story (where I’m dead!) and it takes some convincing to get them to believe the truth.  After I forwarded my Ofoto account with over 300 pictures of Toby, they knew he was mine.  I then flew up to Boston and brought Toby home (Nate was wonderful enough to drive to middle-of-nowhere Maine to pick him up for me). 

After I initially discovered the truth, Rhonda and Gertrude contacted me via phone, email, and work fax (yes, I’m serious about the fax).  They tried to convince me to let Toby stay in Maine because it was best for him.  Rhonda was adamanent that I had “neglected” Toby and went as far as to say that he “haunted by human touch” when she first met him.  Seriously?  You mean when you met him after LEAVING JAIL BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT HELD YOU ON THE PATRIOT ACT?  Don’t even get me started on that mess.  Gertrude wanted to pay me $2,000 to leave Toby in Maine, you can imagine how scared she was to deal with the angry family in Maine.  I think it was when she told me to “let go and let God” that I offically lost my mind.

Everything died down a few weeks after that.  I had plenty going on in my real life without having to deal with their insanity.  I thought everything would go well when I placed my civil suit against Gertrude.  She knows that she was in the wrong - oh, did I fail to mention that she was claming that she thought I was giving up Toby because I was moving?  That she had no idea it wasn’t with my approval until I contacted her the night he went missing?  That she completely lied to me over the phone and the next evening when I questioned her about his whereabouts?  Oh, she is claming that by then, he was gone and what a mess everything was!  She didn’t know what to do!  So she just lied.  For weeks. 

I’m sorry, I’m just so upset right now about the whole thing I can’t even think straight.  I think I got the basic story out, which I had wanted to do for awhile now.  I’m sure I will think of more crazy details.  But for now, we’ll just leave it at this. 

* - I changed their names to protect me.  Not them. 

I thought I’d take this opportunity to point out something I like about Republicans…..Jenna Bush’s wedding gown

Hey, who knew when this was ever going to happen again?!  Seriously, very simple and pretty.  I loved it.

There.  I’ve said something nice.

So I’m not posting about Must See TV (although I am watching LOST at this very moment - 7 minutes to go!) but I wanted to report on a thunderstorm.  All of my Floridian friends, please ignore the next few sentences.  DUDE, there is a real storm happening outside!! Acutal lightning….and thunder!  I waited two years for this - the last time it stormed was when I moved here.  And it wasn’t a storm so much as a flood but, still, there was lightning and thunder.

I can’t help but wonder, is it all coming full circle?

(haha, that was my Carrie from SATC moment!)

Ok, so I said I wasn’t going to blog about LOST, but come on: Claire and her Dad (and Jack’s!) sitting in Jacob’s cabin??  WTF people!? 

So I think I did too much this weekend, because I ended up more tired Sunday night than I was on Friday night.  Oh well.  Trying to pack in as much fun as possible before I leave.

I took the dogs to Roosevelt Island on Saturday - it has a nice beach and Toby loves swimming (if you can call what he does swimming) there.  Afterwards, I tried to get him and Beau to roll in the grass and dry off some before we headed back to the car.

Yesterday I went to the Nats game at the new park, which is beautiful. 

Casey, Kendra, and I at the entrance.

Although we were only at the game for a few hours, I think I spent 90% of my awake time yesterday drinking.  Actually, I think I spent 90% of my time awake the entire weekend drinking.  Which is why I am super excited to have this water in front of me right now (and that’s a first).

We just finished giving the kids the DC-CAS, DC’s Standardized Test given each Spring.  As you can see from this *awesome graph* we have a reputation to uphold - last year, our 8th graders were the only ones in the city that scored 100% proficient in Math.  They also outscored every other school in Reading.  But I won’t talk about it anymore, I’ll just let you look for yourselves

EDIT: Hahah, yes, I realize you can’t read any of the school names, now that I am looking at the website.  I tried making the graph bigger, but with limited success (and much bluriness).  So just know that the top right point, that’s us.  Sorry about that!

The Roomie is on vacation this week, down in the Carribean for a wedding with her boyfriend.  So I’m all alone on Thursday Night - Must See TV!  I have to talk to someone, or I’ll burst, so I thought I would go for a 2nd round of tv show blogging.  I decided to skip Earl and Scrubs and am listening to XM on cable.  Yes, I have a radio.  Yes, I’d rather listen to music on the television.  What of it?

I wrote on TellHimFred’s forum this week about songs that bring back a time and place.  Songs or CDs that you can’t hear without picturing a particular memory, a moment in time.  Haha, and while that sounds very sweet, I just heard Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” come on the XM HitList channel and a flood of memories came back to me.  Yes, this cheesy rap song (which I know almost every damn word of) brings me back to basically every college party I ever went to.  I loved dancing to it, loved singing it - what can I say, I was young :)  Actually, strike that, you know I just busted out in dance when I heard it a minute ago, haha.  Some things never change.  (yes, nb, my mouth was definitely wide-open while I jammed).

Ok, I was going to write a separate post about this, but it must be discussed right now.  We have an ice-cream truck in our neighborhood.  Or, should I say, we have a white nondescript old van with blackened windows that claims to sell ice-cream at all hours of the night.  Yeah, like right now, at 8:46PM on a Thursday night! I’m telling you, it’s a cover up for drugs.  We have a theory that he switches up his creepy ice-cream music to announce the type of drug he’s pushing; right now he’s playing the classic tune, but he also plays “Pop Goes the Weasel” (AKA “The Coke is Here”) every couple of days.  Seriously, what kind of legit ice-cream truck only sells when the sun goes down??  It’s a conspiracy I tell you.

The Office

Excellent - one minute in and Michael is putting his face into wet cement.  This is going to be a good one.  Can I just say how freaking in love I am with Jim Halpert?  When Jim pulled out the ring a few weeks ago, I squealed.  Squealed!  Wow, Angela is sooo pregnant.  They are going to have to put a lot more than pillows in front of her to cover that up.  HOLY CRAP.  Pam’s glasses are atrocious!  How thick are they, is she cross-eyed??  Jim keeps teasing Pam by fake proposing to her; did I mention I’m in love? My guy friend agrees, saying that he would also marry Jim in a heartbeat (yes, he’s straight).  Why?  “He’s cooler than I am.”  Point taken

I used to hate The Office because it made me very uncomfortable - extremely uncomfortable.  However, there is some point at which the need to experience the insanity surpasses the horrible feeling you get when, well, when Michael says anything.  That was about five episodes for me.  Now I can’t get enough.  I feel kinda sad (frightened) that most scenes don’t bother me anymore, I’m desensitized to the inappropriateness of it all.  And it’s ALL inappropriate. 

Blind Pam.  Great idea. 

Oh Jesus, Darryl messing with Michael is TOO MUCH.  Fluffy fingers!  He’s going to get Michael killed.  And here comes douchebag Ryan - with two buttons undone!  Oh no, formal warning to Jim.  Toby is conspiring! I hate Ryan.  He is mean to Jim and therefore my enemy.  Boy is going down. 

Hahahah, Dwight is flipping Andy’s car, genius!  Look at Dwight rocking the MadLibs, what a great day.

Hmm, I feel this fake firing of Stanley blowing up in Michael’s face…and I’m excited, of course.  Oooohhhh, Stanley is laying the SMACK DOWN!!!

Wow, that was really hard to watch.  Acutally, the fight/resolution was not half as bad as Michael telling AWFUL jokes afterwards (to try and get us to forget what just happened?).

COMMERCIAL BREAK - For the love of God, someone please please please end ER.  It’s so painful to watch the previews, let alone a real episode.

30 Rock

Liz Lemon eating ice-cream on her treadmill, my hero :)  Poor Jack has been ousted from his lush 52nd floor office onto, horror of horrors, the 12th floor.  When asked by his assistant if he knows people in Washington he can work for:

Bush? Has it gotten that bad?  God, I’d rather work for an American car company then jump on that sinking ship. - Jack Donaghy

Look at Liz in her hot red number, trying to impress Floyd (what a name).  Uh-oh, Liz’s sandwich is gone, and she’s ready to kill.  Ugh!  The 12th floor is pathetic, with bad lighting!  Snow is May, what’s up with that?  Aww, Floyd is so cute….and now he’s at her apt door. 

The writers are being forced into a drinking contest by the Teamsters (what is their function, exactly?)  You all know that Kenneth is going to be the one to save their asses, right?  Yeah, I thought so too.

You used Ghostbuster’s for evil! - Liz Lemon

This show officially has the best lines.

Oh, the Teamsters are in for it!  And who is saving them?  Yup, I’m smarts.  Now they’re singing “Oh Danny Boy,” and Kenneth looks exceptionally sober.

Holy shit, he’s gone to work for a “sinking ship.” 

I can’t wait for next week!

LOST

Hmm, less than a minute and Jack is passing out.  Great. 

Umm, was that a Star Wars toy??  Yankees sweep The Sox?!  Is this my nightmare??

KATE!  HOLY CRAP.  I love these future flash-fowards.  Hmm, but where in the future are we?  Before he goes all drunk and crazy?  After the trial?  Ohh, that’s an affirmative.  But I think before the crazy spell.

Well, Rousseau and Carl are officially dead.  And Juliet’s about to cut our boy up.  And Sawyer is all big brother to Claire!  Jack’s already seeing his dad - and by already, I mean he’s seeing him again.  Like on the island.  Oh no.  Hurley!  Hmm, and he thinks they’re all dead.  Interesting.  Jack isn’t supposed to raise Aaron; we’ve struck a cord!  Dude, it’s like A Christmas Carol, they’re all being visited by ghosts. 

COMMERCIAL BREAK: Why does Apple insist upon ruining perfectly good songs for me?  I can’t think of them as anything but advertisements now.  They never even had a chance.  Also, Tom Cruise is going to be on Oprah tomorrow and the SATC cast was on today.  Why do I have to work!?

And instead of heeding Charlie’s advice (via Hurley), he’s asked Kate to marry him.  With a great ring.  Hmm.

Well look who speaks Korean!  Excellent move, Jin.  Wow, all of these people in the surgery, it’s like Jack’s giving birth or something.  And he’s passed out…again.  We’re about to see the ghost of Christmas past, people.  Damn, this is actually scary.  Don’t give him the drugs, lady!  Alcohol and pills - even I know that one, Jack.  Hey, there’s your dad, Jack.  With Claire.

Look at Juliet, being all nice to Kate.  People are just all about personality changes on this show.

She remembered Sawyer!  She does love him :)  He chose to stay!  Oh jesus, here Jack goes with that saving shit again, what a complex he has.  And I think this is the end of Jack and Kate.  Dammit.

Haha, restraining order comes back to bite Sawyer in the ass! So can this guy see her Dad because he sees dead people?  That would be cool.

Umm, where the hell is Claire? Uh-oh.