I’m single. Again.  Which is good for me, right now. 

In the past, I’ve had trouble telling people (that I date) how I’m feeling about the relationship.  It’s something I’ve been working on and I think I’m finally getting the hang of it.  D and I had a really mature conversation this weekend, one that I had been putting off because I wasn’t sure how it would go.  We decided that while it was a “good” relationship, it wasn’t a “great” one, and that’s what we are both looking for.  I’m sad about it, he’s been a great boyfriend, but it’s best that we both move on. 

I also realized that I rarely fight with my boyfriends.  1) I assume that I’m the one with the problem and should just get over it and 2) I fear that fighting only leads to breaking up.  I notice that the couples that have the most passion for one another, tend to get in some pretty good fights.  Perhaps this is something I need to look into

 

I took Toby to Rock Creek Park this morning. He loves to go on car rides.

 

There’s some great shallow streams for Toby to play in. 

 

 

However, his first love is still the mud puddle.

However, his first love is still the mud puddle. 

 

 

So now that I’ve come to terms with the fact that everyone reads this site, I might as well just lay it all out on the line.  I bought the following items at a used book store in DC today:

1. When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Good Enough - Harold Kushner
2. How Good Do We Have to Be? - Harold Kushner
3. Relationship Rescue - Dr. Phil
4. Food and Loathing - Betsy Lerner

Hey, I was being serious when I wrote that first sentence.  I went up to the front desk, gave the 60-something hippy my purchases and tried to hide my shame.  Oh well, I’m hoping he’s seen worse.

I’ve spend the last hour browsing through numbers one and three.  After reading the first chapters from When All You’ve Ever Wanted, I came away with the idea that

I suspect the happiest people you know are the ones who work at being kind, helpful, and reliable, and happiness sneaks into their lives while they are busy doing those things.

Makes sense, and it sounds like the way I’ve been moving with my life.  Great, at least I’m headed in the right direction.

I then move to Dr. Phil and his relationship remedy.  This is the real beef I’ve been waiting to eat at.  He starts by pointing out that you have to work on yourself first before you can work on your relationships.  Ok,  heard that one before.  Good stuff.  Then he gives you a 62 question True/False quiz that reflects on the status of your relationship.  I decided to answer the questions based on my last one, since the one I’m in now is relatively new.  I was brutally honest in my answers, which I’m usually not, as evident by my answer of True to “I would rather lie about a problem than deal with it.”  Damn, he’s good.  I added up my score and received a 13.  Here’s what Dr. Phil had to say about that.

If your overall score is above 32, it is likely that your relationship is in extreme danger of failing.  If your total score is between 20 and 32, then your relationship is seriously troubled and you may be living in an “emotional divorce.”  If your total score is between 12 and 19, then your relationship is probably about average (which is not great) and certainly needs work.  If your score is below 11, then your relationship is well above the norm and you may have isolated areas in which you can improve.

Hmm, a 13.  Not a disaster at all, actually pretty close to functioning at a healthy level.  GREAT.  Where the hell does that leave me?  If the relationship wasn’t the reason I left, what was?  Oh man, can you guys see me pointing at the mirror too??  Yeah, I guess the answer is me.

There are some days that I wish this site was anonymous, because I want to write freely about people/situations without them knowing about it.  However, due to my….inability to keep anything underwraps….everyone knows about this site.  And it’s not that I want to “talk trash,” it’s the furthest thing from that, I’d just like to be able to get some stressful things off my chest.  I guess I’ll just have to go out a buy a pink foam diary with a cheesy lock (that can be opened with any hairpin) like I’m 8 years old.  Which is about as old as I feel right now.

Speaking abstractly, I’ve been coming to a few realizations in my life.  With my history, I’ve had to crunch a lot of “growing up” time into a fewer amount of years than most my friends.  I started drinking later, having sex later, I’ve been in fewer relationships, and all of this amounts to feeling behind when it comes to knowing what I want and when enough is enough.  However, because I felt the need to do all this maturing, I’ve had to make some final decisions that I can’t take back.  And that’s the hardest part of growing up, I think.

On a lighter note, Toby ate my mouthguard Tuesday night (I grind my teeth and this keeps me from sawing them down to the gums).  I JUST bought a new one from the dentist, $300 freaking dollars.  I wore it ONCE, on Monday.  Toby went into my tote bag, into the smaller bag it was in, and chewed it to bits.  Utterly destroyed.  I woke up today with a massive migraine (I get them from the grinding) and went back to the dentist to get another mold taken.  I took some Excedrine Migraine and now, six hours later, I’m so jittery.  I feel like I’m on crack.  If I even know how that felt.

Oh yeah, and I started later than most of my friends using drugs.  As in, I still don’t use them.  But I’m ok with that.  I mean, seriously, have you seen me now?  On drugs, I’d be INSANE.

With gas prices sky high these days, I think the stations are trying to make us feel like we’re getting our monies worth.  Almost everytime I hit the pump, the counters goes about the pace of a snail.  I can literally count aloud with it. 

I really don’t understand the point of this. If I’m going to fill up the gas tank, it will take just as many gallons as before, so I’m ready to stand there for the same amount of time.  However, if they did this, the counter for the cash amount would be going at three times the speed of the gallon amount. 

Hmm, I can see how that might drive people over the edge.  But honestly, having to watching it go around like the last five seconds of the Price is Right wheel….it’s painful.

I’m taking this GRE this summer.  I should have done this years ago, but what can I say, I’m slow to make decisions.  Does anyone have any advice of good study books, websites, etc?  What portion did you have the most trouble with?

 The reason for the GRE is, obviously, Grad School.  I’ve thought about getting my PhD is Clinical Psychology forever - but I didn’t know if I had the motivation/desire to go beyond my Master’s.  However, after some recent events, I feel like this is the right choice for me.  I love working in a school setting, I love the kids, but I don’t think I’d like teaching a large class.  I feel I do better in smaller groups, even better one-on-one.  From all the exposure I’ve gotten in the front office, I’ve discovered that I’m most at home speaking with students about their issues.  I seem to have a knack for it and now the next step is formal training.  Cause God knows what kind of damage I could do on my own

I’m looking at schools in North Carolina, particularly the program at UNC Chapel Hill.  I’m determined to go to a Grad School that people don’t affiliate with cologne or hats.

So I’m a little late, but I threw a Surprise Party for my brother’s 30th Birthday when I was in Florida.  It took place on the same night as the Final Four (Gators vs. UCLA), so basically it was about the best night EVER for Jason.

Since Jason and I haven’t lived in the same state since 02′, I really don’t know any of his friends.  So, to create the Evite list I found an old mass email from him and just stole all the addresses.  Creative….but kind of a gamble.  I had zero idea if he still talked to these folks, if they worked with him, etc.  But things started falling into place and the party was fantastic.  Well, there was a snafu when he “got off work early,” and we had to create some errands for him to run so he didn’t arrive to the house before his guests!

I’ll upload some pics tonight.