So where do I begin?

Halloween: a group of us went to a party hosted by the Brits, they reserved a downstairs room called ‘The Vault’ at a club downtown. It’s what you were thinking, a complete debauchery. I managed to get my money’s worth out of the open bar, even though we got there at 9:30 and it ended at 10. Just imagine me and several rum and cokes, with a shot or two thrown in. Yes, I was trashed by 10:30. But I made a miraculous recovery, just in time to watch another couple argue while their friend was thrown out of the bar (a friend who, we find out later, lost their house keys in the bar). I also managed to stop another friend from getting into a rumble at the bar, I unloaded him out onto the sidewalk, only to have him beat Nate with my angel wings. Good clean fun.

Apartment: I finally put some pictures on the wall. I took them at Breakheart Reservation, which is located in Malden.

Thanksgiving: It was a White…Thanksgiving at Nate’s place in Hudson Falls, NY. I leave one cold-ass place only to arrive at a more cold-ass place. At least Toby had fun.

On-Going: Toby has eaten approximately 30 of his “toys” in the past two months. He feels an irrepressible need to destroy everything in order to reach the “squeaker.” But we love him anyways.

And on to the present, which is my very empty office. This week is the national Radiology conference, so everyone is off in Chicago showing off. I am currently listening to the Nutcracker and finding different sites to improve my vocab for the GRE. Yes, very exciting. I also keep logging into MySpace, because I am addicted to it and finding every conceivable person I’ve ever known on its pages. I even started my own group (DORK ALERT). Yeah, whatever, I know what you’re thinking.

I did seven loads of laundry on saturday. SEVEN. I didn’t even know I owned that many clothes….wait, that’s a lie. There were a number of reasons to wash, 1) I had no more underwear 2) It covered every inch of my bedroom floor, and overflowed into various areas of the apt (bathroom, closet, on top of toby’s cage) 3) Because it covered all of the floor, Bob felt it appropriate to piss on everything. Yes, #3 was the most urgent cause for cleaning.

After all that, I needed to hang up stuff. I haven’t done this, well, ever in this apt. I had to move three boxes to get to the closet. So I decided to go through them, and that’s when I found it: the poems. Every couple of years I find it cathartic to write down my thoughts into small sentences. I like to think of them as poems, but I have the feeling that I am somewhat biased and they read more like the rants of a 15 year old. Keep in mind I was probably 21 when I wrote most of these. So here I go, I’ll share some with you:

I. Untitled - 2000
they are called sweet nothings for a reason
they are a warning, of things to come
empty promises
is a better term
for in them lies the truth behind the fluff —
they are there to comfort all that is false.
Built upon stacks of titled books
swaying on their rocky foundation
it was too quick
it was too soon
but it overwhemed us
and we surrendered, to this whispers
we wanted to be part of the game.
And what happens after we fall?
when the books tumble and we can no longer see the top
How far will we go to reach the clouds again
to restore the tower,
our crumbled heart,
climb upon the rocky foundation
and lean over in your lover’s ear.

II. “Peppermint Sticks” - 01.04.2002
let me sit in your lollipop world
and play in your candyland castle
we’ll drink mint juleps
and strawberry lemonade
I’ll wear my sun bonnet and you’ll
fix the bow - you always think it’s not quite right
Adjust me -
turn my arms and head
do I fit your world yet?
I will live in your glass globe forever.
I will.
Until it breaks -
I broke it.
I was too big, I fell over, it crashed
all the snow fell out, the water trailed across the floor
only a puddle remained inside.
Drips of white cling to the castle
I lay inside, but you are gone
off to build another sugar-coated world.

III. “Another Friend” - 02.14.2002
Don’t say you want to be friends
smile at me, like you do at them
I have no desire to go in reverse
- so don’t try to hug me, touch me
you’re not allowed anymore
you have no privledges
I gave you no rights

Don’t say you’re glad I’m in your life
and laugh incessantly at my jokes
“It’s good to hae someone I can really talk to”
it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me mad
you said it’s over
I agreed it should end
-so don’t feel the need to reconcile something
to “save” the friendship; it’s not necessary

Don’t tell me you’ve found someone new
“we’ve been out a few times - I dont’ know where it’s going”
sure you don’t, why else would you be here
torturing me. first time in months.
I can’t listen to these words from you
they hold no meaning
“I just wanted you to hear it from me”
We are not friends.

IV. “My Mother, The Warrior”
I used to get angry
when we had nothing to talk about
Yours didn’t include prom, hula hooks, barbies
and I didn’t realize
that your trip uphill, both ways, in the snow
it was ture
with Little House on the Prairie wagons
and water buffalos
Who reuses the same piece of paper?
it couldn’t be real
when dad and then mom died-
and the brother that resembled mine
I didn’t understand, I didn’t connect
it sounded like a soap opera
they were all facts to me
stats
like a burnt out image that is not my own

watching the bodies burn on the fire
it must have been so hard for you
and the evil stepsister
I made it sound like Cinderella!
(how could I be so careless?)

All I felt was cheated
“we having nothing to talk about”
I was a selfish brat
even now, when you reach out everday
I feel so crowded, overwhelmed
I always thought you were cold, hard
all the psych courses,
and I can’t even diagnosis myself

I forget
why you are the way you are
why am I still angry?
you want to talk, you are afraid
and I push you away
- I am afraid
your love arrived too late

It must be so hard
having no one to connect with.